Tuesday, July 3, 2007

A rough week

It's been a really rough week for me.  I had worked a lot of hours and also went to see my counselor, whom I have been seeing since I started back to work.  My appointment with her was terrible, and I am convinced that I don't ever need to go back and see her.  After I left her office, I was close to tears all day.  I felt empty and sad - not what I would expect after an appointment with a counselor.  Her advice was elementary and immature.

Next, I went to work.  Keith (my previous assistant manager) came by the store and I realized how much I miss him.  During the three years that we worked together, we developed a good friendship, and with how I feel about being there right now, I sure could use a good friend.  I just don't have that with Dave right now, and I am not sure there is even potential there for that.  

Friday night, my employees and I all went out to dinner after work.  It was just a casual way of trying to encourage a better atmosphere there, but I don't know if it worked or not.  Craig (the other assistant manager who was moved to the Ladue store) was supposed to show but he got stuck at work and was unable to make it.  Half of my staff was visibly disappointed that Craig didn't show, and I think that his absence at my store is making the morale situation worse.

I didn't get to see much of Abby during the last week.  Half of the nights that I came home she was already sleeping.  I am having a really hard time pumping at work, and because of that, my milk supply is almost gone.  I have three days off in a row, and am going to try to pump and increase my milk supply, but I have mixed feelings about it.  I mean, it's going to stop at some point.  Abby doesn't seem to miss it right now.  I am physically at a point where I could stop and it wouldn't cause my body any stress.  I do have a few events coming up where I will be separated from Abby for either overnight or an entire weekend - which would be more convenient if I didn't have to worry about pumping.  However, I love nursing her.  If anyone reading this hasn't experienced it, I can't explain how awesome it is.  If I stop, I can never do it again (at least with Abby - and there is a possibility that she may be my only child - not that I want that - we're planning on having more, but there are no guarantees in life - what if I don't ever have another child?).  There is so much more on this topic, but I am not sure I am ready to write it all out for everyone else to see.

Mike has been telling me the difference between Abby's cries - whether they mean that she's hungry or tired or whatever.  I know that the parents are supposed to be able to distinguish the cries, but I can't yet.  I feel like a failure as a mother, but realistically, I don't hear her cry that much.  I see her for about an hour in the morning, and she usually sleeps for half of that.  Maybe it will come with time.

I only have two and one half weeks before my women's float trip, and I am torn about this as well.  I am normally very excited by now.  I just don't feel that way.  I mean, I feel like I need a break, but on the other hand, don't really want to be away from Abby.  In addition, Holly isn't going to go, most likely, and that really bums me out.  We usually ride together, share a cooler, and take one day away from everyone else to go shop.  I am looking forward to having no responsibility, but wonder if I might be better staying at home that weekend.

In addition to my pity party, I have also been really worried about a few of my friends this week.  Danielle and Steve lost a wonderful pet this week.  Houston, an English Bulldog, was found in the woods near their home, apparent victim of human hands.  It sickens me to think that someone could purposely do that to an animal - especially one as sweet as Houston.  Also, my friend Patti has been fighting with her husband and they seem to be taking some time apart.  I don't know if it's permanent or not, but I know that she has a very heavy heart right now, trying to do what's best for her and for her children.

So, this post was very sad.  Sorry to be such a downer.

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