Saturday, May 31, 2008

Goodbye, CCC! I will miss you!

Today is my last day at CCC. I kind of thought that it would never really get here. I felt like I would be stuck in the limbo of turmoil forever. I thought that my entire life would pass while I was working out my notice. It's wierd that I gave my notice before EXPO...that seems like so long ago.

My store did really good this month - we made both goals. We tried to get the store cleaned up - and it looks better than it did all month. My staff doesn't know who's taking my place - I hope that they're happy when they find out who it is.

My boss and my employees have already started planning my return. It's nice to think about. It's also nice to know that they'll take me back. I did find out yesterday that my boss has decided that I am not allowed to fill-in for them periodically. He told Allen that it defeats the purpose of my leaving CCC, and he's right. I am sad - I was looking forward to staying - even if only occasionally. Maybe he'd change his mind in time.

So, tonight is my going away party. I hope to have a good turnout. I really enjoy socializing with all of my coworkers - they're all really fun people. I am going to miss them!

Time to get ready for work. Sigh.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day

So, we thought we would be able to spend the weekend shopping for a car for me, but realized that we were stupid for thinking that the dealerships would even be open. Silly me. I thought that with it being the holiday weekend, there would be places to shop. Maybe if I needed furniture there would've been sales...

So, better luck for Thursday. Hopefully we'll find something that we both like.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

One day closer

Now, each day that goes by is just one less day I have to make the most of my time with CCC. I NEVER dreamed it would be so hard to leave this place. I always thought that I would feel satisfied to quit - but I am filled with regrets. I told Pete I would paint the wall outside the stock room - and I didn't get that done. This was also a great opportunity for me to learn more about photography, and I didn't take advantage of all of my resources. I should've used my discount to upgrade my equipment.

I am excited about camping and making plans with friends and family. I don't have any idea what weekends I already have plans for - I haven't paid attention to the dates of any events, figuring that I don't have to because I will already be off work.

I am still sad about leaving.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Leaving CCC, I think...

So, I still have 12 hours left to make up my mind. Yesterday, I was sure I was staying at CCC. Today, I am really leaning toward the Clarkson job. I really didn't want to go to work today. I wanted to stay home with Mike and Abby. I realized today that even if I work out the perfect schedule, it will still be "flexible". When other people take vacations, I will still have to adapt. Inventory and Expos will still change my schedules. Christmas will still be 6-day work-weeks. I want more time with Abby, and this job just won't do it for me.

As of right now, my plan is to tell Pete that I am leaving CCC.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Abby's Doctor Visit

Abby went to the doctor for her one-year vaccinations, about 6 weeks late. She weighed in at 24.5 lbs, and was 30.5 inches tall. She is in the 97th percentil for height and weight...I wish I knew what percentile her feet were in! They are huge! We are getting ready to buy her more shoes because her big big feet don't fit in anything we have.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Decisions.

I have done a lot of soul searching, and in the end - I still feel obligated to take the clarkson job. There is no joy in this for me. I was all psyched up to tell Pete I was staying at CCC, and then I talked to my sister. She told me that if I don't show up, it's going to reflect poorly on her (which I already knew), and that she was going to be mad at me. My mom also made some comment about Holly's reputation, while giving me a look that could kill, and I realized that I didn't feel like I had a good way out of this. I expected both of them to stand behind me and tell me to do what I needed to do, but I didn't get that from either of them.

I am going to tell Pete on Monday that I can't be happy at CCC if I don't explore the option of spending more time with Abby, and I pray that I am making the right decision. Someone I really respect told me that I am in a bad position, and that there is probably not a right or wrong answer. That is how I feel. I can only hope that two months later, I am happy with my decision. Right now, it feels wrong.

A few more things on my mind

I hope that writing this down will help me figure out what to do.

Benefits of staying with CCC: I enjoy my job. I love my coworkers. I have control over my schedule. Dave is gone. I get to borrow equipment. I have vacation time. I really enjoy working for my boss. I am appreciated and valued. I make decent money.

Benefits of working for Clarkson: Better hours. Working with Holly. Carpooling with Holly. More time with Abby.

I still don't know if I have real reason to stay with CCC or if I am experiencing normal anxiety and fear about changing jobs. I mean, I have been given a safety net and I should probably do it.

Working the same 5 days per week that Mike works will mean that Abby is at Lisa's 5 days per week instead of 4. I think its backwards that for me to spend more time with Abigail, she has to spend more time at the sitter. This bothers me.

I want to use the camper this summer. I want to go to the chili party this fall. I can do those things with the Clarkson job.

I already know that Christmas at CCC is rough. The Christmas season while I was pregnant, I was home a lot. I had time to fill out Christmas cards and take my picture with Mike to mail out in cards. If I have the right assistant, Christmas doesn't have to suck as bad. Really. I mean, with Keith, I worked the opening shifts while I was pregnant, and he closed. I don't even know if I shared them at all. I was already 5 months pregnant at the time, and I took advantage of the early outs.

And then there is the idea of getting pregnant again. I want to get pregnant right after Michele's wedding. I will have another baby next year and wonder if my long-term career options won't be hurt by the appearance of the Clarkson job if it's less than one year long. I want to stay home, but know that I might not have that opportunity. If I need another job - a Monday through Friday job after the second baby is born, then I might have better luck with a resume that shows me at CCC for 5 years rather than Clarkson for 1.

I am sure I will write more later. I don't want to spend my day off in front of my computer. :)

Monday, May 12, 2008

My thoughts on CCC and Clarkson EyeCare

So, I got my new job and gave my notice of resignation at my old job. I am now filled with mixed feelings and anxiety - which I am sure is normal. I have a lot of positive things to say about my job at CCC, and feel a lot like I am saying goodbye to a good friend. I know that sounds wierd. I tell myself that it's time for a change, and that the entire reason that I have even been looking for a new job is to spend more time with Abby - but I do enjoy my current job, and am scared to give that up. I am sure that this has a lot to do with leaving the last job I enjoyed (at Qualex) for a job I was completely miserable at (which was CMS). I am scared that Clarkson is going to be boring.

I feel like I am at the top of the cliff at the offsets (for anyone who's never been there - here's a brief description) - having climbed the nearly vertical muddy wall to get to the top and looking down at the water beneath me. I look down and realize that jumping into the water is really the fastest and safest way to get back to my inner tube - because climbing down the vertical wall would surely be treacherous - but also that I am afraid of the water and I never should've climbed this stupid hill and agreed to jump off just to make my dad proud of me.

I write all of that to explain that I know I need to leave CCC and give the job at Clarkson a shot. I know that I will never be satisfied where I am if I don't experience the time I could be spending with Abby. I am terrified to quit - because I love what I do and the people I work with - but I don't see any other way to be happy in the long run.

As my time dwindles down - I am filled with anxiety. I wonder who is going to run my store? What will happen to the customers that I have tried so hard to build relationships with? What about the employees that I have tried to coach into the salespeople that I know we need? And I also worry about the Edwardsville store and how that will affect my store. In addition, I wonder how I will like my new boss? I am completely comfortable with Pete - and I enjoy working for him. What if I don't feel the same way about Kris?

I also think about the other benefits I am giving up - like working in an environment that doesn't feel like work because I get to print my pictures, borrow equipment, play with new cameras, teach people how to take better pictures and build relationships with people. I am getting paid to play with cameras and make friends. And I am giving this up...

But then I look at Abby and think about taking her camping. I want to take her to play outside. Last week, we spent an hour in our driveway where she pushed her baby stroller around and climbed in and out of her own stroller. She had such a good time, and I wondered how it would feel to be able to do that all the time?

I am tired of scheduling my social life around sales and inventory and other people's vacations. I can finally have a normal schedule and get to just take for granted that I can go to a graduation party, even if it is on a Saturday. I tell myself that I will feel very liberated - but I have been retail for so long, that I don't even know if I can imagine how that will feel. I might not even know if I like it until I do if for a month or two. I am not looking forward to working 5 days in a row - and I already know that Friday is the busiest day at Clarkson...that seems so backwards.

I will probably type more later. Thanks for reading.