Thursday, February 28, 2008

End of February

So, Abby is almost 11 months old - her birthday party is in 5 weeks and I haven't had any time to plan it. I haven't made a guest list or figured out any food for it. I am very tempted to cancel the whole thing - since she won't really know the difference anyway. I don't know that I feel like going through the hassle for something that will end up as a group of pictures in an album and nothing more.

I am ready for spring to get here. I am tired of the cold and wet weather. I want to spend time outside. I want to take Abby outside and let her explore - I think that will be fun to watch. I love the expression on her face when she notices something for the first time and tries to understand it. I haven't snapped a picture of that expression, but I think that will be my next picture goal with her. I would love to always have that to look back on.

My job is going pretty well, I guess. I am unsure of what to do at this point. I mean, I am so tired of looking for something else. I am burned out on sending out resumes and returning phone calls and emails and going for job interviews and waiting for call-backs - the process is exhausting. I am tired of not being sure what I am going to be doing next month or two months from now. I have employees or coworkers call me and request days off, or ask me to help at their stores and I don't know if I can commit to that or not. I am also sick of spending my days off in some pretty office somewhere selling myself to someone and not spending that time with Abby. There was a day last week that Abby and I didn't leave the house - it was wonderful!

I really miss Abby. I resent that she's spent the majority of her baby-time without me, and it's starting to look like her toddler-time won't be much different. People say that mothers can tell the difference between the baby's cries, and I never could. I was never around her enough to pick it up. When Abby cried, I asked Mike what to do with her. I feel like a failure. I know it's dramatic - but it's true. I mean, she's starting to try to talk, and this is another example of what I should be able to understand, and I can't. When you see or talk to a toddler and you can't understand what they're saying, you can look at their parent and they will usually interpret. The parent knows that some unintelligible gibberish really means cat. I am afraid that this period will be no different than the cries.

I probably need some time off. I haven't had any personal time or vacation time since I returned to work last June. Keeping in mind that I put in a lot of extra hours in November and December, I am probably due for some time off. Maybe I would feel better about my job if I was able to take a break from it. But then I think...I have two weeks to last me for another year, and what if Abby gets sick and I really need it. Oh well. It's nice to dream.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

2 more teeth

Abby has two more teeth coming in. She looks so different from even just 2 months ago! Pretty soon, she's going to have a mouthful of teeth and look like a girl instead of a baby...

She is just growing so fast!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Frustration

So, it's been 8 months since I went back to work, and I don't like it. I feel that I am missing out on so much with Abby, and this is time I can't get back. I thought that I would find some sort of 30-hour part-time work week job, making $10.00 per hour and be able to have more time with Abby. I have been looking for a few months now, and I am not having any breaks. I have had a few interviews, but even when I have had an interview, I haven't gotten any call-backs. I don't know what my problem is - I used to be very good at interviewing. I am tired of job-hunting. I have been doing it for about 5 years, pretty much non-stop. I am not happy with where I am. I thought that going to college was supposed to be the way to get a good job, but my degree seems worthless (and that's what I tell the alumni association every time they call me). I am so desperate for something else, that I am considering going back to school, but that's going to rob me of even more time with Abigail. I am ready to start trying to get pregnant again, but the thought of working one more Christmas at my current job makes me ill. In the grand scheme of my life, I want to have my second baby now - but in the day-to-day, I know that I would be miserable. How do I figure out what is right for me?

I keep giving myself goals, like, I want to be out of my current job by Jan. 27th - and that didn't happen. I then decided that I wanted to be out by Feb. 17th - and that's today. I have failed with that goal, too. This is really starting to take it's toll on me, and I find it hard to be positive. I really think that even if someone called me tomorrow for an interview, it would be hard for me to do well in the interview because I feel like it's pointless anyway - they're not going to call me back...

Of course, a lot of this could be PMS right now. Maybe I am not as angry as I feel right now. Maybe it's amplified by my hormones. I certainly hope that's the case, because then I could hope to feel better in a few days. We'll see.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Valentine's Day/10 month pictures



Isn't she sweet? Or mean...sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.



I like this one - she looks very innocent.



"For all you do...this Bud's for you!" That is all I can think of when I see this picture.



Happy Valentine's Day!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Abby's first birthday party

I am having a hard time coming up with plans for Abby's first birthday party. I would like it to be a big event, big enough for my extended family. A park would be ideal, but with it being in early April, the weather is unreliable for any outdoor activities. I have been thinking about some indoor venue - a bowling alley, perhaps...but feel so torn about it. I am in need of some ideas...

I would like to start getting the details ironed out so that I can send out invitations. Right now, all I know is that I would like to have it on April 5th. I can start putting together a guest list, and possibly pick up some decorations - but a lot of that will be determined by where I have the party.

*sigh*

Friday, February 8, 2008

Abby's First Steps!

Abby took her first steps today!!! We were at my mom's house, and Gary was walking her around the kitchen and living room. Mike picked her up and played with her for a minute, and she decided to go back to Gary. Mike got her really close to him and then let her go. She took three quick steps before she fell on her bottom! I am so proud of her!