Thursday, February 28, 2008

End of February

So, Abby is almost 11 months old - her birthday party is in 5 weeks and I haven't had any time to plan it. I haven't made a guest list or figured out any food for it. I am very tempted to cancel the whole thing - since she won't really know the difference anyway. I don't know that I feel like going through the hassle for something that will end up as a group of pictures in an album and nothing more.

I am ready for spring to get here. I am tired of the cold and wet weather. I want to spend time outside. I want to take Abby outside and let her explore - I think that will be fun to watch. I love the expression on her face when she notices something for the first time and tries to understand it. I haven't snapped a picture of that expression, but I think that will be my next picture goal with her. I would love to always have that to look back on.

My job is going pretty well, I guess. I am unsure of what to do at this point. I mean, I am so tired of looking for something else. I am burned out on sending out resumes and returning phone calls and emails and going for job interviews and waiting for call-backs - the process is exhausting. I am tired of not being sure what I am going to be doing next month or two months from now. I have employees or coworkers call me and request days off, or ask me to help at their stores and I don't know if I can commit to that or not. I am also sick of spending my days off in some pretty office somewhere selling myself to someone and not spending that time with Abby. There was a day last week that Abby and I didn't leave the house - it was wonderful!

I really miss Abby. I resent that she's spent the majority of her baby-time without me, and it's starting to look like her toddler-time won't be much different. People say that mothers can tell the difference between the baby's cries, and I never could. I was never around her enough to pick it up. When Abby cried, I asked Mike what to do with her. I feel like a failure. I know it's dramatic - but it's true. I mean, she's starting to try to talk, and this is another example of what I should be able to understand, and I can't. When you see or talk to a toddler and you can't understand what they're saying, you can look at their parent and they will usually interpret. The parent knows that some unintelligible gibberish really means cat. I am afraid that this period will be no different than the cries.

I probably need some time off. I haven't had any personal time or vacation time since I returned to work last June. Keeping in mind that I put in a lot of extra hours in November and December, I am probably due for some time off. Maybe I would feel better about my job if I was able to take a break from it. But then I think...I have two weeks to last me for another year, and what if Abby gets sick and I really need it. Oh well. It's nice to dream.

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